Sometimes people go through things which change them. Every experience, every encounter, everything changes us.
I have been through a lot of things and I’m not saying that for sympathy or to get your attention. Even though it is not okay to think that about anyone who is willing to share their personal life stories just so they can help other people.
If you know me well, you’ll think I look confident. I’m sure about what I want in life and I stand up for myself and my friends. Truth is, that’s not all to me…I’ve been molded into the person I am today.
Now I’m not going to drown you with my life in hell because I feel uncomfortable sharing that much information about myself. But what I am going to do is talk through some of the things I have experienced and what I did and didn’t do.
The most important thing to know is that I still am not fully aware what I’m going through, and I still do get confused. So I’m talking about my personal experience and I am no expert in this matter.
As with many posts these days, I’m going to be talking about depression and anxiety. These are things that people suffer. Some find help, and some don’t. Some don’t even realise they need to get help.
I used to be a completely different person to who I am now. I used to be happy.
I went through a tough time at school, bullying and things of that sort, without going into too much detail. Whatever happened in that year, it made me have stronger beliefs, stronger morals. I came out of that situation stronger. You must have heard the saying “Your experiences either make you or break you”. I had strong willpower, I’m saying that even though it may sound big-headed. I came out of that strong.
I became a cold-hearted person. But not in every sense. I used to feel compassion and love and I felt a need to help others like me. But I became cold-hearted in the sense that I wouldn’t let things get to me, I used to be cocky and have a reply for everything people said. If people said something hurtful to me, I had a way of handling it, I managed to diss them back and keep my self-pride as well as stop them from hurting me. I believed and still do believe that the only way something or someone can hurt you is if you let them. I didn’t like being seen as vulnerable and needy. I didn’t like sympathy and I hated getting close to people. I lost my best friend through this change as I didn’t spend time with her. I wanted to be alone. People didn’t speak to me but I was sure they spoke about me. Like always.
Because of this, I even started Anti-bullying community in my school. So something good did come out of it.
But I pushed people away. I didn’t like getting close to people and having to trust anyone. I built walls around myself and let no one in. I hurt myself and for some reason, that felt good. I thought that it was my own battle to fight and I had to do it by myself.
Through this, I lost my ability to be talkative and talk to people. I lost my communication skills. I developed something that I didn’t realise at the time… anxiety ( as much as it pains me to admit). I silently panic when someone speaks to me or before I have to speak whereas before, I used to look forward to being in the spotlight on the mic. It felt like there were two people inside me. They were fighting and confused my brain. I stammer when people speak to me, unsure of what to say. I get nervous and flushed.
And now, I realise that I have to fight this. I can’t live like this anymore. I like the dark places and feelings but I can’t stay in that world forever. I have to feel happy again. Or this will just get worse and worse.
Call me a hypocrite but I still think this is my battle to fight. I don’t need help. Although I encourage you to get help.
Although, you should probably hear me out about why I’m being a hypocrite.
It’s because I don’t need help. I’m a strong willed person, and I feel very very uncomfortable with this issue. I have enough strength to pull myself out of this even if I have been lazy to do so for the past 2-3 years. But if you don’t then you need to get help. You know about yourself, how you are, how you deal with certain situations.
Now I know what I have to do. And this is the promise I make to myself:
I promise to find my old, happy self again and accept that person. I need to become who I was before, the confident, talkative, cocky bitch. I need to lose this depression and this anxiety and I need to come through stronger than ever.
I want to be that person again.
Will it happen overnight? Hell no.
Will it take extreme levels of self-motivation and willpower? Hell yeah.
But I’m willing to do it. For myself.
So we’ve reached the point where I deliver my important last message.
If you need help, don’t fight it alone. There are people who can help you. And quick tip: talk anonymously so that you don’t feel uncomfortable with people that much about you.
There are many ways in which you can get help and I encourage you to use the one that is most convenient for you. I’ve spoken to the school nurse as well. Maybe that might be a good idea for you?
Or you can get in touch with something like child line. I will add the links to a couple helpful websites about the bottom so check them out.
Don’t leave it until it’s so late that you have trouble figuring it out. Get help as soon as possible.
Zoella’s Anxiety Q&A
Zoella’s Panic Attacks and Anxiety video (Even though I don’t think I suffer panic attacks, this may be useful for you)