The Liebster Award

liebsteraward

A while back, I was nominated for The Liebster Award by Muhammad Ashhar but I didn’t have the time to continue it on, now I decide I want to start the chain for a new award because it has been too long since the nomination to carry it on now but obviously thanking Muhammad for his previous kind nomination. Click on his name to go to his blog (it will open up in a new window, no need to worry) which I think is really good because it is so thought-provoking. Go ahead and check him out!

The meaning of this award:

It has German origins – the word “liebster” has several definitions: dearest, sweetest, kindest, nicest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, welcome, sweetheart.

The rules for this awesome award are as follows…

1. Post the award on your blog.

2. Thank the blogger who presented this award and link back to their blog.

3. Write 11 random facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and let them know

Eleven Random Facts about me:

  1. I fell in love with mint since my childhood years. I love anything mint, whether it’s ice cream, chocolate, milkshake… anything mint!
  2. I can’t be a blood donor because I’m anemic. Turns out I can’t be useful to anyone any time soon…
  3. I sometimes pre-visual situations, I think forward to time and imagine someone doing something or something happening and it turns out to be true. This leads to déjà vu moments.
  4. I am writing this blog in a lesson of Health & Social Care where I should be doing my coursework… If my teacher ever reads this, forgive me.
  5. I used to easily trust people, but I soon learnt my lesson and now I don’t trust or depend on anyone because I know that expecting is a crime and disappointment is the punishment .
  6. As a child, I used to think that an earthquake was a GIANT spider walking around the city and destroying all the buildings by stepping on them. I laugh out loud at this now.
  7. I don’t drink any fizzy drinks such as coke, lemonade etc. I don’t drink tea or coffee either. I like flavoured water or plain water.
  8. I wanna be Tumblr but I just don’t get Tumblr! Do you understand my frustration? Like, I wanna be part of those legendary screenshots, haha!
  9. I switch moods between having the motivation to do all my work in that moment and having no motivation at all, there is no in between. Caution, these mood swings can occur every 5 seconds to every hour, day, year…*smirks*
  10. I don’t believe in apologies that have no explanation with them. You cannot just say you’re sorry, you have to present a 10 slide power point explaining exactly why you are sorry, what you did and good reasons explaining why I should forgive you. If you don’t do this, I’m not even sorry saying this, but your apology has no value. Obviously, I exaggerated the ’10 slide power point’ bit but the rest of it is true.
  11. My moods switch between being a social butterfly to being socially awkward. Again, there is no in between.

Here comes the best part of this award… nominating other wonderful bloggers!

And the nominations go to… *drum roll*

  1. Patti Murin
  2. Restart Urgently Needed
  3. Harjit Singh
  4. iDikko
  5. TwinkleSpark
  6. LD – The Right Writing
  7. Learning Web Development
  8. The Book of the Seven Forbidden Wisdoms
  9. sweetnessbearblog
  10. Serenity’s Ashrama
  11. Oscar Relentos

Thank you all so much, hope you take part and I look forward to reading your posts! Have fun with this award!

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“You don’t understand.”

Since a month or so, I’ve been suffering back problems. Doctors don’t really know what it is, some say slipped disc and others say “don’t worry, it’s just a muscle strain.” This causes me an incredible amount of pain in my lower back, more precisely the left side of it. It’s better now but before, I couldn’t sit, stand or even lie down. Obviously because the back is the bit of the body which holds it together, it was difficult. The pain wasn’t just in my back anymore, it went to all the interlinking areas. I wasn’t allowed to sit with my legs crossed, bend down or pick up anything heavy.

People thought I was seeking attention, like bro, I don’t like the spotlight so you can keep it to yourself. I really don’t care.

It was a pretty bad situation and my overall energy was low. I felt like I had to be dependent on other people when one day I thought, screw it!

My cousins were at my house at night, they came from France for the half term holiday. I needed to clean up the room, pick up a heavy quilt and sort everything out. Put it it’s place. A lot of things were out of place because that’s what toddlers do, they mess everything up. I have three cousins, the oldest being at the age of 11 and the youngest is around 2.

I told the older cousin to help me pick up the heavy quilt and she refused, like children do. That’s when I thought to myself, nobody understands. I started to think about all the other situations in my life, not just about physical pain but mental pain as well. Nobody understood me. And I decided it was worth it to risk permanently damaging my back, but I couldn’t risk any more mental damage. I decided to do things I wasn’t allowed to anyway, picking up heavy things etc. Though, my mum did yell when she saw me, restricting me from certain things, lost in her motherly nature.

The following day, I got into an argument with the same cousin. She told me her thoughts quite clearly. She said that she was sick of me pretending that I was in pain and I needed to get off my backside and stop acting.

There is no point explaining to a fool. I walked out the house, thinking about my life.

As I walked, my anger slowly diffused into hurt. I had become used to people not understanding me that I’d failed to realise it was happening.

Mine is just an example, think about yourself. You’re probably in worse situations. But that doesn’t mean that another situation is better for someone else.

Every situation is painful in it’s own way.

But what’s the reason people don’t understand you?

They don’t share a bond with you, they haven’t been through it themselves.

Both of those things.

Soon enough, when you hear yourself say “You don’t understand”, “You won’t understand” or “You don’t get it” plenty of times, you begin to realise that nobody does understand you. People have their own level of experience and knowledge and depending on that they judge situations. So it isn’t their fault either.

And then you accept that nobody understands you and you stop explaining yourself. You stop being yourself. You stop telling your opinions and you stop sharing your feelings.

This isn’t about the physical pain my back caused me, because the physical pain can never compare to the mental pain.

It’s more about mental pain, which is the worst kind of pain to have.

After all, “that’s the thing about pain… It demands to be felt.”- Augustus Waters

Mixed feelings

A number of times in my life I have found myself at this crossing path of decisions.

I just don’t know what the hell to do.

Often, the reason for that is people. Stupid, confusing people.

I always wondered why it is that sometimes you’re acting one way and sometimes you’re acting another way. For example, someone I talk to may think that I have mood swings because sometimes I want to talk to them and sometimes I don’t. And I sure do think that about other people too. But the point is… why?

When there’s something on your mind and you can’t stop thinking about it, and you have two minds about something. That is when your conscience is fighting with your heart. Your heart wants something but your sense of right and wrong is stopping you from anything. And trust me, it leaves you confused… Seriously confused. And with that, you confuse others too.

I have a friend from secondary school who I used to talk to often. Then my conscience started to fight, because he had developed… um, a certain interest in me. I knew that if I carried on talking to him as normal, it would only lead things on… something that I didn’t want. I knew the only way to save both myself and him trouble was to break the connection and so gradually I lessened the amount of messaging we did each day. Eventually, we didn’t talk at all. I realised that my strategy worked, and he had lost the infatuation for which I was glad.

I wanted to be friendly with him, because he was a good friend but stupid feelings got in the way and I guess, in a way, it was something lost. But I didn’t mind much. It would have been worse if it carried on.

When you have two minds about something, know that if you want something more than another thing, you will naturally convey that to the people who you surround yourself with. If they know you and understand you well enough, they will realise that too and probably try to help you like one of my friends helped me.

And when someone confuses you with their actions, remember that they have a reason. Whatever it is, it makes them happy so let it be. Sometimes questioning it can make it worse, and other times questioning it can make it better.

Stupid feelings. They make you do and think things that mess up your mind… and others too.

A Thunderstorm (Poem)

A Thunderstorm

I couldn't hold it in any longer
My mind lost itself and 
the thunderstorm began
The rain was the tears which poured down my face
The thunder sounds were the storm in my mind
The lightening was your words that struck me
and broke all I had
In a year or so I'll forget this situation
I'll probably forget your words,
your face as you spoke them
The venom you spat out will be forgotten
but I'll never forget how you made me feel
You hurt every corner of my soul 
and it's the feeling that can't be forgotten
All this pressure doesn't let me breathe in peace
I try to live up to your expectations but I fail
Now I know not to try
And even as I give up, I fail you again.

-Anonymi01

Memories (A Poem)

Memories

Why is it that your memories warm me as much as they pain me?
So many questions and no way to find the answers
Lost in my own mind yet not able to be lost on the path.
Every turn I take
Somehow I know where I am 
I know a way out of the maze
And every place I stop to think
I feel a presence
A sense of being
A feeling of being watched... observed
I was alone, not a soul to be seen
Yet I felt when I spoke my words 
someone was hearing
And I complained to the Supreme Being;
"Why don't you love me? 
You're supposed to love everyone
But why not me?"
As the silent words leave my mouth, my eyes sting with tears
I grab the handle tight and try to escape my anger
I pedal carefully, in fear after the earlier fall that left me covered in mud
As I pedal by the places where you used to be,
 memories flood back like the wet autumn leaves
My mind pre-occupied to the time you were here
The way you turned around when I came and
the messages your eyes sent
I feel the warmth
And that's when I realised, no words can describe how I felt
when you laid your eyes on me
Without saying anything you made me feel loved and wanted
I miss the feeling
The butterflies I got
And I come back to reality as my body complains.
The aches aren't as bad as what's inside 
and they can't ever be equal
The bruise on my hand, the pain in my back, the throbbing
of my toe as the bike landed on my foot... Nothing.
No damage compared to the words I've heard and
the way I've been made to feel.
No matter how hard I try, I know it's gone
Things have changed and fallen apart
When I didn't have the wisdom I didn't realise and now it's
too late
I regret the chances I didn't take
And again, I demand Him to leave me
He has no choice but to be here
He's omnipresent 
But I want to be alone
He won't leave me alone
My drowning thoughts need to be fought
But I don't have the energy
I'm drained
As I sit hidden in the trees, I wonder whether to leave because I've been
gone for long
or to wait until my thoughts have healed
I realise they won't go so I stand up and brush off the mud and grass
thankful for the trees that gave me shelter from the rain
I smile at the shape on the ground where I sat 
then worry about what consequences that might have
I rush past men walking their dogs
and even that brings me back to you
Your love for dogs and your words at the park
Now as I look at these children, in the comfort of our home, away from the rain
They have a childhood I never had
I wasted my life then and I'm wasting it now
You are the reason I'm breaking myself
Why is it that your memories warm me 
as much as they pain me?

- Anonymi01

The reason for mixed signals

There are so many situations in life where people confuse you.

You don’t know whether to try to figure it out or whether to grab your knees, head in lap, and weep.

I don’t know whether it’s just my age group or my gender that thinks about these things… People often send mixed signals. Whether you’re sending it or receiving it, they’re both confusing positions to be in.

There are two points of view, both experienced by yours truly.

One, you’re the one sending the mixed signals. This is because you’re confused as hell. You want one thing and you’re acting like you want another. It’s like craving chocolate but asking for a Dorset Naga. You don’t want someone else to know how you’re actually feeling and what you actually want to say to them. So you cover it up… hey, that’s a skill we all use. If you’re sending mixed signals, you need to take a second and talk to yourself. What do you actually want? If you’re comfortable with showing someone it, they probably don’t belong where they are in your life. Re-evaluate.

Second, you’re receiving mixed signals. Chances are you’re acting in the same way because the person you’re talking to is acting this way too. Or rather, the person you’re not talking to. Since, we all have a person in our life who we want to talk to but it’s not happening… just me? When you’re the one receiving these mixed signals, it often leads to being lost in confusion…*starts singing*… like an illusion. In this moment, give it a minute. Gather your thoughts and take the next left out of the conversation. You’re welcome.

A Promise

Sometimes people go through things which change them. Every experience, every encounter, everything changes us.

I have been through a lot of things and I’m not saying that for sympathy or to get your attention. Even though it is not okay to think that about anyone who is willing to share their personal life stories just so they can help other people.

If you know me well, you’ll think I look confident. I’m sure about what I want in life and I stand up for myself and my friends. Truth is, that’s not all to me…I’ve been molded into the person I am today.

Now I’m not going to drown you with my life in hell because I feel uncomfortable sharing that much information about myself. But what I am going to do is talk through some of the things I have experienced and what I did and didn’t do.

The most important thing to know is that I still am not fully aware what I’m going through, and I still do get confused. So I’m talking about my personal experience and I am no expert in this matter.

As with many posts these days, I’m going to be talking about depression and anxiety. These are things that people suffer. Some find help, and some don’t. Some don’t even realise they need to get help.

I used to be a completely different person to who I am now. I used to be happy.

I went through a tough time at school, bullying and things of that sort, without going into too much detail. Whatever happened in that year, it made me have stronger beliefs, stronger morals. I came out of that situation stronger. You must have heard the saying “Your experiences either make you or break you”. I had strong willpower, I’m saying that even though it may sound big-headed. I came out of that strong.

I became a cold-hearted person. But not in every sense. I used to feel compassion and love and I felt a need to help others like me. But I became cold-hearted in the sense that I wouldn’t let things get to me, I used to be cocky and have a reply for everything people said. If people said something hurtful to me, I had a way of handling it, I managed to diss them back and keep my self-pride as well as stop them from hurting me. I believed and still do believe that the only way something or someone can hurt you is if you let them. I didn’t like being seen as vulnerable and needy. I didn’t like sympathy and I hated getting close to people. I lost my best friend through this change as I didn’t spend time with her. I wanted to be alone. People didn’t speak to me but I was sure they spoke about me. Like always.

Because of this, I even started Anti-bullying community in my school. So something good did come out of it.

But I pushed people away. I didn’t like getting close to people and having to trust anyone. I built walls around myself and let no one in. I hurt myself and for some reason, that felt good. I thought that it was my own battle to fight and I had to do it by myself.

Through this, I lost my ability to be talkative and talk to people. I lost my communication skills. I developed something that I didn’t realise at the time… anxiety ( as much as it pains me to admit). I silently panic when someone speaks to me or before I have to speak whereas before, I used to look forward to being in the spotlight on the mic. It felt like there were two people inside me. They were fighting and confused my brain. I stammer when people speak to me, unsure of what to say. I get nervous and flushed.

And now, I realise that I have to fight this. I can’t live like this anymore. I like the dark places and feelings but I can’t stay in that world forever. I have to feel happy again. Or this will just get worse and worse.

Call me a hypocrite but I still think this is my battle to fight. I don’t need help. Although I encourage you to get help.

Although, you should probably hear me out about why I’m being a hypocrite.

It’s because I don’t need help. I’m a strong willed person, and I feel very very uncomfortable with this issue. I have enough strength to pull myself out of this even if I have been lazy to do so for the past 2-3 years. But if  you don’t then you need to get help. You know about yourself, how you are, how you deal with certain situations.

Now I know what I have to do. And this is the promise I make to myself:

I promise to find my old, happy self again and accept that person. I need to become who I was before, the confident, talkative, cocky bitch. I need to lose this depression and this anxiety and I need to come through stronger than ever.

I want to be that person again.

Will it happen overnight? Hell no.

Will it take extreme levels of self-motivation and willpower? Hell yeah.

But I’m willing to do it. For myself.

So we’ve reached the point where I deliver my important last message. 

If you need help, don’t fight it alone. There are people who can help you. And quick tip: talk anonymously so that you don’t feel uncomfortable with people that much about you.

There are many ways in which you can get help and I encourage you to use the one that is most convenient for you. I’ve spoken to the school nurse as well. Maybe that might be a good idea for you?

Or you can get in touch with something like child line. I will add the links to a couple helpful websites about the bottom so check them out.

Don’t leave it until it’s so late that you have trouble figuring it out. Get help as soon as possible.

Links: 

Child Line

Turn2Me

Zoella’s Anxiety Q&A

Zoella’s Panic Attacks and Anxiety video      (Even though I don’t think I suffer panic attacks, this may be useful for you)

Paper doesn’t judge you.

I always wrote diaries. Properly. The date, time and what happened that day. Sometimes I wrote about something that I was annoyed at, had feelings for or whatever.

But whenever I read them back, I cringed. I picked out mistakes in my writing. The spellings, the handwriting, the words I chose. I always feared that someone would read it and I thought about what they would think. Their view on me would change, I kept a awful lot bottled up inside and if they came to know it all they would probably think of me as a horrible, stupid person.

But recently, I have been passing through moods where I feel… not so great. I have things inside of me that need to escape. The trouble is, I have people to talk to. A lot of people care about me so I am able to share my feelings with them but…

I can’t share it with them. They would probably judge me, or it would cost in the long run.

And worst of all, the things I may say seem small. Nothing to worry about. But I’m a over-thinker. If you speak to me, most likely, I am analysing everything from your body language to your tone of voice. I think about everything, all the time.

And I admit, they are small things. They may seem stupid to you.

So this time, I starting writing a diary. I began with telling myself that I was writing it to get it out of my system. Paper couldn’t judge me.

I would write to get it out of my system, without worrying about what it would cost me.

I write every so often, whenever I feel a heat in my heart or a burst of feelings.

So the reason I’m writing this as a blog to let you know. Sometimes, you are lonely even if there are people around you all the time.They care about you and they want to help but you don’t want to burden them with your petty matters. Use paper. It won’t judge you. Use to let go of your feelings. Some things hurt and sometimes we can’t share them, no matter how much help is available.

Find your way of releasing your stress and give yourself a free mind.

Drugging myself for education

“Come on, you have to do this!” I tell myself.

I down the coffee despite it’s disgusting taste. This was something I had to do.

Okay, look. I don’t ever drink coffee. It is my last ray of hope so that I can finish my coursework in time for tomorrow.

I’m sitting at my desk, sleep hovering over my eyes. A mug full of STRONG coffee next to my laptop and paperwork. Waiting for the strong amount of granules I poured in to start to take effect and make me awake.

It gives me a weird taste in my mouth, so I have the chocolate and chewing gum ready. My tongue feels weird too.

I NEVER drink coffee. I stay away from coffee and tea like a vampire would stay away from garlic. I think they are drugs and people who drink it become addicted to it.

Before you jump to conclusions, let me tell you what’s really going on.

I have coursework due in tomorrow. Yes, third week into college and we have coursework due in already. The only way I can get the work done is to wake up tonight. And the way to not fall asleep? Coffee. And that’s what I just took a big sip of. Strong, dark coffee. It tastes like medicine. And the reason why I have to stay awake at night to complete my work? For the education.

Sometimes, people think that because we get free education in the UK that we take it for granted. That can be true to a certain extent. For example, I moan and complain about having to go to college all the time. However, I still try to work as hard as I can to be able to stay at the top of my subjects and try to pass the exams.

I know a hell lot of other people who do too. They will stay awake at night, work whenever they get the chance. They work their backsides off to be able to achieve the grades they want. For education.

But does education define us? If I worked hard as eff but didn’t achieve a pass grade, everyone looking at my CV will think I’m not hard working. On the other hand, if I achieve brilliant results but effortlessly, they will think I’m so hard working and so on.

The truth is, we hear everyone telling us that it’s not the grades that define us. It’s our personality and our extra curriculum. But what they say is just for reassurance. Which person on earth will look at a D grade or an E, F, G, U grade and still think that the person they are dealing with is hard working, putting in the effort. No one. Sadly, grades do define us and people do judge our ability based on what grades we achieve. That is the truth.

But truth hurts and lies comfort us. So we all follow the lie that people tell us.

This world is a judgemental place (and will not admit to it) but it doesn’t know not to judge a book by it’s cover.

P.S Friends, don’t get worried about me drugging myself with coffee. This is a one-off. And hey, it’s for education. It’s all for a good cause. Otherwise, what will define me?

The life of a College girl

Long time, no see…You know me, the procrastinator.

Hello everyone and welcome back to another crazy blog.

I started college two weeks ago and already a teacher wants to read my blog. Interesting. I thought I would let her see it until I realised the things I’ve said on here are not meant for her eyes. And thank the Lord that I hadn’t blogged in so long that I didn’t even remember that my blog address is anonymi01.wordpress.com, I was accidently telling her it the wrong way round. Now that I look back to it, it was a good thing that I couldn’t remember.

So, right now, I’m sitting in the library. This is where I spend most of my time. It’s a nice, quiet environment. I either read my books : “Vampire Academy series, Frostbite by Richelle Mead” or “A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini”. I would recommend both of them, so if you’re like me, (friendless and lonely) a book can become your best friend.

Reading novels is like stepping out of your own skin and entering into another world. Another era. Another time of the year. Another situation. Another event. Everything is different to what is going on in your actual life and somehow, you forget reality and get absorbed into another person’s life. How does that work? I don’t know, but what I do know is that the feeling is amazing. It’s like you’re drugged. Except, I wouldn’t know what that feels like… haha.

I also go on the computers which is why it’s great that the College doesn’t block any websites like my school used to. That used to be annoying as hell. They would somehow find the least popular websites and block them too. And their Wi-Fi was crap. Here, it works wonderfully. Sometimes, there’s a spot where the Wi-Fi works the best, but in my school that was unheard of… I usually find these kind of things fast. Like with College. I know where the best spots are and which kind of people hang around which areas at which times. I know that the best place for the Wi-Fi is… well, I shouldn’t give it away.

When I moved to College, whatever went on was expected but it didn’t hit me fully until I was into my second lesson on the first day. I realised the workloads I would face and thought about how I would manage. I realised that I was taking notes, which I needed to revise as the course went along for an exam. It hit me, and I was shocked at how calmly and easily I had behaved before. Suddenly, I was thinking about a lot of things, had a lot of questions and I realised I was maybe a little bit nervous.

I think I’m over that now.

Recently, I have started used Kik to communicate with people. It’s a nice friendly environment and we can start a big friendly bloggers chat (even though there is already one). Unfortunately, anonymi01 was unavailable but I have anonymi011 so message me and we can become best friends forever 🙂

P.S College is better because you get free periods so you can have a break and do your work.