A Thunderstorm (Poem)

A Thunderstorm

I couldn't hold it in any longer
My mind lost itself and 
the thunderstorm began
The rain was the tears which poured down my face
The thunder sounds were the storm in my mind
The lightening was your words that struck me
and broke all I had
In a year or so I'll forget this situation
I'll probably forget your words,
your face as you spoke them
The venom you spat out will be forgotten
but I'll never forget how you made me feel
You hurt every corner of my soul 
and it's the feeling that can't be forgotten
All this pressure doesn't let me breathe in peace
I try to live up to your expectations but I fail
Now I know not to try
And even as I give up, I fail you again.

-Anonymi01

Memories (A Poem)

Memories

Why is it that your memories warm me as much as they pain me?
So many questions and no way to find the answers
Lost in my own mind yet not able to be lost on the path.
Every turn I take
Somehow I know where I am 
I know a way out of the maze
And every place I stop to think
I feel a presence
A sense of being
A feeling of being watched... observed
I was alone, not a soul to be seen
Yet I felt when I spoke my words 
someone was hearing
And I complained to the Supreme Being;
"Why don't you love me? 
You're supposed to love everyone
But why not me?"
As the silent words leave my mouth, my eyes sting with tears
I grab the handle tight and try to escape my anger
I pedal carefully, in fear after the earlier fall that left me covered in mud
As I pedal by the places where you used to be,
 memories flood back like the wet autumn leaves
My mind pre-occupied to the time you were here
The way you turned around when I came and
the messages your eyes sent
I feel the warmth
And that's when I realised, no words can describe how I felt
when you laid your eyes on me
Without saying anything you made me feel loved and wanted
I miss the feeling
The butterflies I got
And I come back to reality as my body complains.
The aches aren't as bad as what's inside 
and they can't ever be equal
The bruise on my hand, the pain in my back, the throbbing
of my toe as the bike landed on my foot... Nothing.
No damage compared to the words I've heard and
the way I've been made to feel.
No matter how hard I try, I know it's gone
Things have changed and fallen apart
When I didn't have the wisdom I didn't realise and now it's
too late
I regret the chances I didn't take
And again, I demand Him to leave me
He has no choice but to be here
He's omnipresent 
But I want to be alone
He won't leave me alone
My drowning thoughts need to be fought
But I don't have the energy
I'm drained
As I sit hidden in the trees, I wonder whether to leave because I've been
gone for long
or to wait until my thoughts have healed
I realise they won't go so I stand up and brush off the mud and grass
thankful for the trees that gave me shelter from the rain
I smile at the shape on the ground where I sat 
then worry about what consequences that might have
I rush past men walking their dogs
and even that brings me back to you
Your love for dogs and your words at the park
Now as I look at these children, in the comfort of our home, away from the rain
They have a childhood I never had
I wasted my life then and I'm wasting it now
You are the reason I'm breaking myself
Why is it that your memories warm me 
as much as they pain me?

- Anonymi01

The reason for mixed signals

There are so many situations in life where people confuse you.

You don’t know whether to try to figure it out or whether to grab your knees, head in lap, and weep.

I don’t know whether it’s just my age group or my gender that thinks about these things… People often send mixed signals. Whether you’re sending it or receiving it, they’re both confusing positions to be in.

There are two points of view, both experienced by yours truly.

One, you’re the one sending the mixed signals. This is because you’re confused as hell. You want one thing and you’re acting like you want another. It’s like craving chocolate but asking for a Dorset Naga. You don’t want someone else to know how you’re actually feeling and what you actually want to say to them. So you cover it up… hey, that’s a skill we all use. If you’re sending mixed signals, you need to take a second and talk to yourself. What do you actually want? If you’re comfortable with showing someone it, they probably don’t belong where they are in your life. Re-evaluate.

Second, you’re receiving mixed signals. Chances are you’re acting in the same way because the person you’re talking to is acting this way too. Or rather, the person you’re not talking to. Since, we all have a person in our life who we want to talk to but it’s not happening… just me? When you’re the one receiving these mixed signals, it often leads to being lost in confusion…*starts singing*… like an illusion. In this moment, give it a minute. Gather your thoughts and take the next left out of the conversation. You’re welcome.

A Promise

Sometimes people go through things which change them. Every experience, every encounter, everything changes us.

I have been through a lot of things and I’m not saying that for sympathy or to get your attention. Even though it is not okay to think that about anyone who is willing to share their personal life stories just so they can help other people.

If you know me well, you’ll think I look confident. I’m sure about what I want in life and I stand up for myself and my friends. Truth is, that’s not all to me…I’ve been molded into the person I am today.

Now I’m not going to drown you with my life in hell because I feel uncomfortable sharing that much information about myself. But what I am going to do is talk through some of the things I have experienced and what I did and didn’t do.

The most important thing to know is that I still am not fully aware what I’m going through, and I still do get confused. So I’m talking about my personal experience and I am no expert in this matter.

As with many posts these days, I’m going to be talking about depression and anxiety. These are things that people suffer. Some find help, and some don’t. Some don’t even realise they need to get help.

I used to be a completely different person to who I am now. I used to be happy.

I went through a tough time at school, bullying and things of that sort, without going into too much detail. Whatever happened in that year, it made me have stronger beliefs, stronger morals. I came out of that situation stronger. You must have heard the saying “Your experiences either make you or break you”. I had strong willpower, I’m saying that even though it may sound big-headed. I came out of that strong.

I became a cold-hearted person. But not in every sense. I used to feel compassion and love and I felt a need to help others like me. But I became cold-hearted in the sense that I wouldn’t let things get to me, I used to be cocky and have a reply for everything people said. If people said something hurtful to me, I had a way of handling it, I managed to diss them back and keep my self-pride as well as stop them from hurting me. I believed and still do believe that the only way something or someone can hurt you is if you let them. I didn’t like being seen as vulnerable and needy. I didn’t like sympathy and I hated getting close to people. I lost my best friend through this change as I didn’t spend time with her. I wanted to be alone. People didn’t speak to me but I was sure they spoke about me. Like always.

Because of this, I even started Anti-bullying community in my school. So something good did come out of it.

But I pushed people away. I didn’t like getting close to people and having to trust anyone. I built walls around myself and let no one in. I hurt myself and for some reason, that felt good. I thought that it was my own battle to fight and I had to do it by myself.

Through this, I lost my ability to be talkative and talk to people. I lost my communication skills. I developed something that I didn’t realise at the time… anxiety ( as much as it pains me to admit). I silently panic when someone speaks to me or before I have to speak whereas before, I used to look forward to being in the spotlight on the mic. It felt like there were two people inside me. They were fighting and confused my brain. I stammer when people speak to me, unsure of what to say. I get nervous and flushed.

And now, I realise that I have to fight this. I can’t live like this anymore. I like the dark places and feelings but I can’t stay in that world forever. I have to feel happy again. Or this will just get worse and worse.

Call me a hypocrite but I still think this is my battle to fight. I don’t need help. Although I encourage you to get help.

Although, you should probably hear me out about why I’m being a hypocrite.

It’s because I don’t need help. I’m a strong willed person, and I feel very very uncomfortable with this issue. I have enough strength to pull myself out of this even if I have been lazy to do so for the past 2-3 years. But if  you don’t then you need to get help. You know about yourself, how you are, how you deal with certain situations.

Now I know what I have to do. And this is the promise I make to myself:

I promise to find my old, happy self again and accept that person. I need to become who I was before, the confident, talkative, cocky bitch. I need to lose this depression and this anxiety and I need to come through stronger than ever.

I want to be that person again.

Will it happen overnight? Hell no.

Will it take extreme levels of self-motivation and willpower? Hell yeah.

But I’m willing to do it. For myself.

So we’ve reached the point where I deliver my important last message. 

If you need help, don’t fight it alone. There are people who can help you. And quick tip: talk anonymously so that you don’t feel uncomfortable with people that much about you.

There are many ways in which you can get help and I encourage you to use the one that is most convenient for you. I’ve spoken to the school nurse as well. Maybe that might be a good idea for you?

Or you can get in touch with something like child line. I will add the links to a couple helpful websites about the bottom so check them out.

Don’t leave it until it’s so late that you have trouble figuring it out. Get help as soon as possible.

Links: 

Child Line

Turn2Me

Zoella’s Anxiety Q&A

Zoella’s Panic Attacks and Anxiety video      (Even though I don’t think I suffer panic attacks, this may be useful for you)

Paper doesn’t judge you.

I always wrote diaries. Properly. The date, time and what happened that day. Sometimes I wrote about something that I was annoyed at, had feelings for or whatever.

But whenever I read them back, I cringed. I picked out mistakes in my writing. The spellings, the handwriting, the words I chose. I always feared that someone would read it and I thought about what they would think. Their view on me would change, I kept a awful lot bottled up inside and if they came to know it all they would probably think of me as a horrible, stupid person.

But recently, I have been passing through moods where I feel… not so great. I have things inside of me that need to escape. The trouble is, I have people to talk to. A lot of people care about me so I am able to share my feelings with them but…

I can’t share it with them. They would probably judge me, or it would cost in the long run.

And worst of all, the things I may say seem small. Nothing to worry about. But I’m a over-thinker. If you speak to me, most likely, I am analysing everything from your body language to your tone of voice. I think about everything, all the time.

And I admit, they are small things. They may seem stupid to you.

So this time, I starting writing a diary. I began with telling myself that I was writing it to get it out of my system. Paper couldn’t judge me.

I would write to get it out of my system, without worrying about what it would cost me.

I write every so often, whenever I feel a heat in my heart or a burst of feelings.

So the reason I’m writing this as a blog to let you know. Sometimes, you are lonely even if there are people around you all the time.They care about you and they want to help but you don’t want to burden them with your petty matters. Use paper. It won’t judge you. Use to let go of your feelings. Some things hurt and sometimes we can’t share them, no matter how much help is available.

Find your way of releasing your stress and give yourself a free mind.

Drugging myself for education

“Come on, you have to do this!” I tell myself.

I down the coffee despite it’s disgusting taste. This was something I had to do.

Okay, look. I don’t ever drink coffee. It is my last ray of hope so that I can finish my coursework in time for tomorrow.

I’m sitting at my desk, sleep hovering over my eyes. A mug full of STRONG coffee next to my laptop and paperwork. Waiting for the strong amount of granules I poured in to start to take effect and make me awake.

It gives me a weird taste in my mouth, so I have the chocolate and chewing gum ready. My tongue feels weird too.

I NEVER drink coffee. I stay away from coffee and tea like a vampire would stay away from garlic. I think they are drugs and people who drink it become addicted to it.

Before you jump to conclusions, let me tell you what’s really going on.

I have coursework due in tomorrow. Yes, third week into college and we have coursework due in already. The only way I can get the work done is to wake up tonight. And the way to not fall asleep? Coffee. And that’s what I just took a big sip of. Strong, dark coffee. It tastes like medicine. And the reason why I have to stay awake at night to complete my work? For the education.

Sometimes, people think that because we get free education in the UK that we take it for granted. That can be true to a certain extent. For example, I moan and complain about having to go to college all the time. However, I still try to work as hard as I can to be able to stay at the top of my subjects and try to pass the exams.

I know a hell lot of other people who do too. They will stay awake at night, work whenever they get the chance. They work their backsides off to be able to achieve the grades they want. For education.

But does education define us? If I worked hard as eff but didn’t achieve a pass grade, everyone looking at my CV will think I’m not hard working. On the other hand, if I achieve brilliant results but effortlessly, they will think I’m so hard working and so on.

The truth is, we hear everyone telling us that it’s not the grades that define us. It’s our personality and our extra curriculum. But what they say is just for reassurance. Which person on earth will look at a D grade or an E, F, G, U grade and still think that the person they are dealing with is hard working, putting in the effort. No one. Sadly, grades do define us and people do judge our ability based on what grades we achieve. That is the truth.

But truth hurts and lies comfort us. So we all follow the lie that people tell us.

This world is a judgemental place (and will not admit to it) but it doesn’t know not to judge a book by it’s cover.

P.S Friends, don’t get worried about me drugging myself with coffee. This is a one-off. And hey, it’s for education. It’s all for a good cause. Otherwise, what will define me?

The life of a College girl

Long time, no see…You know me, the procrastinator.

Hello everyone and welcome back to another crazy blog.

I started college two weeks ago and already a teacher wants to read my blog. Interesting. I thought I would let her see it until I realised the things I’ve said on here are not meant for her eyes. And thank the Lord that I hadn’t blogged in so long that I didn’t even remember that my blog address is anonymi01.wordpress.com, I was accidently telling her it the wrong way round. Now that I look back to it, it was a good thing that I couldn’t remember.

So, right now, I’m sitting in the library. This is where I spend most of my time. It’s a nice, quiet environment. I either read my books : “Vampire Academy series, Frostbite by Richelle Mead” or “A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini”. I would recommend both of them, so if you’re like me, (friendless and lonely) a book can become your best friend.

Reading novels is like stepping out of your own skin and entering into another world. Another era. Another time of the year. Another situation. Another event. Everything is different to what is going on in your actual life and somehow, you forget reality and get absorbed into another person’s life. How does that work? I don’t know, but what I do know is that the feeling is amazing. It’s like you’re drugged. Except, I wouldn’t know what that feels like… haha.

I also go on the computers which is why it’s great that the College doesn’t block any websites like my school used to. That used to be annoying as hell. They would somehow find the least popular websites and block them too. And their Wi-Fi was crap. Here, it works wonderfully. Sometimes, there’s a spot where the Wi-Fi works the best, but in my school that was unheard of… I usually find these kind of things fast. Like with College. I know where the best spots are and which kind of people hang around which areas at which times. I know that the best place for the Wi-Fi is… well, I shouldn’t give it away.

When I moved to College, whatever went on was expected but it didn’t hit me fully until I was into my second lesson on the first day. I realised the workloads I would face and thought about how I would manage. I realised that I was taking notes, which I needed to revise as the course went along for an exam. It hit me, and I was shocked at how calmly and easily I had behaved before. Suddenly, I was thinking about a lot of things, had a lot of questions and I realised I was maybe a little bit nervous.

I think I’m over that now.

Recently, I have started used Kik to communicate with people. It’s a nice friendly environment and we can start a big friendly bloggers chat (even though there is already one). Unfortunately, anonymi01 was unavailable but I have anonymi011 so message me and we can become best friends forever 🙂

P.S College is better because you get free periods so you can have a break and do your work.

Bikeriding Accident

summer sun

Summer holidays have started and me and my friends decide to go on a little adventure.

We wanted to go to a park which wasn’t very close to us so we were going on our bikes.

The first adventure of the summer holidays and it all went wrong.

It was three of us, we met and we set off towards the park. I ride my bike more often than my other two friends so naturally I go fast and they are shouting my name from behind. I stop and turn, wait for them to catch up. They tell me we’ll ride slow so we preserve energy to enjoy the park and also come back home. So we ride slow.

We had to pass through a local park in order to get to the road which led to the park we wanted to go to. So we are riding at average speed through the streets and get into our local park.

I have no idea how but I’ve starting riding fast again… (told you it was natural). I am ahead of my to friends and I hear one of them scream. I think that they are just having a laugh because I could hear them talking before. I turn around and I had no idea that a shock such as that would be in front of my eyes.

Also passing through the park was a woman with a dog. She stopped near my friend which had fell of the bike and reviewed how badly she was injured, she told us to take care of her and left. By this time, I had dropped my bike exactly where I had stopped and ran back towards my friends. My friend was on the floor, bleeding out of her nose. One, because she had a nose bleed and two, because her glasses had scraped her nose. She was hurt on her leg too. That was when we knew it wasn’t a minor injury. Luckily, we didn’t have to call out an ambulance and she was able to sit up and had stopped bleeding in a matter of five minutes.

During this time, I was so scared. I couldn’t see her in the pain she was in.

Despite the fact that she had hurt her leg, she acted very strong and we walked to her house. Me and my friend live on the same street and it was close to the park we were passing through so that was a plus. We cleaned her up once we reached her house and put on plasters and medication.

No one was at her house so we waited with her until her mother arrived. Meanwhile, I called my mum and told her what had happened and where I was.

For a good week, she couldn’t walk properly and was in a lot of pain. The first two days, her leg was actually getting worse than getting better.

After visiting the doctor’s and having it checked out, we were assured that she would be fine and no serious harm was done. She had to rest.

That was the start of my summer holidays. Since then, me and my friend which wasn’t injured have been to other parks and once my injured friend got better, we have been to other parks as well. But not that park where we planned to go that first day.

I think I’m scared to go there again but we are going to do it soon. This summer, we won’t let it go without having fun.

You shouldn’t too.

Let me know in the comments below what your plans are for summer and if you have faced any problems or if you have already made fantastic memories. 

Broken trust and scalded heart

Once, I had a friend.

We were very close, everyone knew we were best friends.

We had known each other in primary but weren’t friends. In secondary school, it was different. Everyone was more open to making new friends and we happened to talk to each other. We’d walk to school together, we’d stay together all the time. It was just the two of us.

One day, we got to school and whilst waiting for the bell to ring, she noticed a herd of girls surrounded around one girl. Supposedly, she was the most popular one in school. And the ones around her were her crew. My friend, (let’s name her BFF to make things easier) went up the the popular girl’s crew ( we’ll name her Top Girl). My BFF went to the Top Girl and asked her if she could be friends with her. Baring in mind that she had left me standing by myself. Yeah, I totally get she wanted to make new friends but a true friend would take their best friend with them.

I was standing by myself for about 10 minutes and she came running back, all excited and happy. She told me that Top Girl had said they could be friends and told me to come and join them. She told me to do what she did and ask Top Girl to join in their crew. Very foolishly, I did just that. I wasn’t willing to do it, I even told her to just introduce me to her new friends and that would be fine, but she insisted.

So I asked and, with the fakest smile I have ever seen, she nodded and said “Sure”. I noticed that she laughed a lot. Even at things that weren’t funny.

Anyway, fast forward to a few months later. We had all started to hang out together and shared most of our things with each other. They weren’t a bad crew, to be honest, but later you’ll find out how poisonous each of their smiles were. Somehow, my BFF felt the need to please Top Girl and the crew. It was like Top Girl was controlling my BFF and it felt really weird. It wasn’t friendship anymore. It came to a point where my BFF was ready to give me up as a best friend just to stay friends with her. After all those promises of “I’ll always be here for you”, “You’re my bestest friend, I love you”, “Best friends forever” etc. You see, forever wasn’t a very long time.

I can’t even remember what it was about but Top Girl got upset with my BFF. The three of us were walking through the corridor and I remember the feeling like it were yesterday. My BFF blamed me to get out of the mess herself and left me speechless.

Fast forward again, I am no longer friends with them. Slowly, my BFF had some sort of disagreement with the crew and after some arguing left them too. She came back to me and once again, we were friends. This was my second mistake.

Fast forward to the end of the year and now we have been friends for a while, when another girl (also from our primary, and we name her The Third Wheel) joined with me and my BFF. She had had an argument with her friends and needed someone to hang out with. Me and my BFF welcomed her open-heartedly. She made me pay a good price for my third mistake. She basically did what her name suggests. She was the third wheel in our friendship and didn’t understand us. She made me look very bad in the eyes of my BFF and gossiped about me behind my back. It came to the point when my BFF didn’t want to be my BFF anymore. I was very hurt that she had done the same thing to me yet again, but I didn’t hold a grudge with either of them. I let them be and found my own friends.

A lot of similar things have happened to me which made me lose my ability to trust. And I’m sure they happen to a lot of people out there.

I didn’t share this story with you for attention and sympathy. I shared with you for a reason. The moral of the story is-

1) If you want to be a friend, be a loyal one. Loyalty is royalty. Those kind of friends are the best.

2) Don’t spend your time trying to please others. If you are always trying to please your friends, how can you ever have fun and be yourself? You are not you, and if you are you and you’re “friends” don’t like it, they’re not your friends.

3) Time goes fast. All this happened in just one year, and imagine if this friendship drama happens every year… Oh my. One day it hurts, the next it heals. Accept that every person goes through pain and happiness. They both come and go.

You begin to realise that people are in your life to make it better, and if they don’t do that and they bring you down, it’s okay to cut them out.

It was always between you and God. It was never between you and them. Remember that.

Be silent in the Examination Hall!

Well hi everyone, so recently, you might not even have noticed but I haven’t been posting any blogs. The reason in one simple word is ‘exams’.

I have been under stress and pressure to revise whenever I can because I left everything to the last minute and I have a serious procrastination problem (check out my previous blog on that).

For that reason, I haven’t been posting. And honestly, I missed it.

I realised one thing while I was away though… and that is that nature is the most beautiful thing ever. Heck, I even created a Instagram page just for nature. That thing is lucky!  Here is the link to my profile – https://instagram.com/anonymi_01/

On Instagram, I like looking at pictures of nature in my spare time and it really makes me feel so calm and peaceful… Am I the only one? Let me know. So anyway, I wanted to share that too so whenever I’m walking somewhere I tend to take a lot more pictures. I’ve never been into selfies so the camera was useless to me until now. Now my camera roll is full.

I also love reading quotes and I share some of the quotes closest to my heart on my feed. I think that quote images literally put my feelings into words when I find it most difficult to do that myself. Mostly, words can’t express my feelings.

To lighten things up a little bit and have a bit of a laugh, I follow accounts which share memes and funny images which can make you laugh so much sometimes, haha!

I like to chill whenever I can and usually I end up on Instagram so you should check that out too… or maybe I’m just a little late on the trend.

Also, I got a bike which means I’ve been out a lot more. I’ve been to the parks in the half term holidays and looked at ducks. That’s really been helping me to unwind after a few weeks on continuous revision and exams. I think everyone needs to try it at least once in their lifetime.

Anyhoo, my exams finish in about three weeks so pretty soon I will be sharing my adventures with you as I unravel my life during the summer holidays. Me and a few friends are planning to do things like gardening, biking, reading, writing and so much more during the holidays and you can go along on the journey with me. A few simple things mean a lot when you do it with someone special. And each and every one of you is special, remember that.

Let me know in the comments below:

What activities are you going to be trying out, alone or with friends? 

What activities do you think I would enjoy?

See you soon 🙂

P.S.

I CAN’T WAIT UNTIL THE HOLIDAYS! 😀