Since a month or so, I’ve been suffering back problems. Doctors don’t really know what it is, some say slipped disc and others say “don’t worry, it’s just a muscle strain.” This causes me an incredible amount of pain in my lower back, more precisely the left side of it. It’s better now but before, I couldn’t sit, stand or even lie down. Obviously because the back is the bit of the body which holds it together, it was difficult. The pain wasn’t just in my back anymore, it went to all the interlinking areas. I wasn’t allowed to sit with my legs crossed, bend down or pick up anything heavy.
People thought I was seeking attention, like bro, I don’t like the spotlight so you can keep it to yourself. I really don’t care.
It was a pretty bad situation and my overall energy was low. I felt like I had to be dependent on other people when one day I thought, screw it!
My cousins were at my house at night, they came from France for the half term holiday. I needed to clean up the room, pick up a heavy quilt and sort everything out. Put it it’s place. A lot of things were out of place because that’s what toddlers do, they mess everything up. I have three cousins, the oldest being at the age of 11 and the youngest is around 2.
I told the older cousin to help me pick up the heavy quilt and she refused, like children do. That’s when I thought to myself, nobody understands. I started to think about all the other situations in my life, not just about physical pain but mental pain as well. Nobody understood me. And I decided it was worth it to risk permanently damaging my back, but I couldn’t risk any more mental damage. I decided to do things I wasn’t allowed to anyway, picking up heavy things etc. Though, my mum did yell when she saw me, restricting me from certain things, lost in her motherly nature.
The following day, I got into an argument with the same cousin. She told me her thoughts quite clearly. She said that she was sick of me pretending that I was in pain and I needed to get off my backside and stop acting.
There is no point explaining to a fool. I walked out the house, thinking about my life.
As I walked, my anger slowly diffused into hurt. I had become used to people not understanding me that I’d failed to realise it was happening.
Mine is just an example, think about yourself. You’re probably in worse situations. But that doesn’t mean that another situation is better for someone else.
Every situation is painful in it’s own way.
But what’s the reason people don’t understand you?
They don’t share a bond with you, they haven’t been through it themselves.
Both of those things.
Soon enough, when you hear yourself say “You don’t understand”, “You won’t understand” or “You don’t get it” plenty of times, you begin to realise that nobody does understand you. People have their own level of experience and knowledge and depending on that they judge situations. So it isn’t their fault either.
And then you accept that nobody understands you and you stop explaining yourself. You stop being yourself. You stop telling your opinions and you stop sharing your feelings.
This isn’t about the physical pain my back caused me, because the physical pain can never compare to the mental pain.
It’s more about mental pain, which is the worst kind of pain to have.
After all, “that’s the thing about pain… It demands to be felt.”- Augustus Waters