Memories

Why is it that your memories warm me as much as they pain me?
So many questions and no way to find the answers
Lost in my own mind yet not able to be lost on the path.
Every turn I take
Somehow I know where I am 
I know a way out of the maze
And every place I stop to think
I feel a presence
A sense of being
A feeling of being watched... observed
I was alone, not a soul to be seen
Yet I felt when I spoke my words 
someone was hearing
And I complained to the Supreme Being;
"Why don't you love me? 
You're supposed to love everyone
But why not me?"
As the silent words leave my mouth, my eyes sting with tears
I grab the handle tight and try to escape my anger
I pedal carefully, in fear after the earlier fall that left me covered in mud
As I pedal by the places where you used to be,
 memories flood back like the wet autumn leaves
My mind pre-occupied to the time you were here
The way you turned around when I came and
the messages your eyes sent
I feel the warmth
And that's when I realised, no words can describe how I felt
when you laid your eyes on me
Without saying anything you made me feel loved and wanted
I miss the feeling
The butterflies I got
And I come back to reality as my body complains.
The aches aren't as bad as what's inside 
and they can't ever be equal
The bruise on my hand, the pain in my back, the throbbing
of my toe as the bike landed on my foot... Nothing.
No damage compared to the words I've heard and
the way I've been made to feel.
No matter how hard I try, I know it's gone
Things have changed and fallen apart
When I didn't have the wisdom I didn't realise and now it's
too late
I regret the chances I didn't take
And again, I demand Him to leave me
He has no choice but to be here
He's omnipresent 
But I want to be alone
He won't leave me alone
My drowning thoughts need to be fought
But I don't have the energy
I'm drained
As I sit hidden in the trees, I wonder whether to leave because I've been
gone for long
or to wait until my thoughts have healed
I realise they won't go so I stand up and brush off the mud and grass
thankful for the trees that gave me shelter from the rain
I smile at the shape on the ground where I sat 
then worry about what consequences that might have
I rush past men walking their dogs
and even that brings me back to you
Your love for dogs and your words at the park
Now as I look at these children, in the comfort of our home, away from the rain
They have a childhood I never had
I wasted my life then and I'm wasting it now
You are the reason I'm breaking myself
Why is it that your memories warm me 
as much as they pain me?

- Anonymi01

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