Time

Some people have the best morals in life.

They stand by things that other people might not have thought of.

The words they use suddenly become more beautiful because of the meaning behind them.

I was casually sitting in my English Literature class one day, as one does, and my teacher said something beautiful. Sometimes the best things come when you aren’t looking for them. The class was discussing a play called “Betrayed” by Harold Pinter. We were being introduced to it as we are choosing which play to study next year for our course. We read Scene Three (by the way, I totally recommend it) and we found out by our teacher that the play works backwards. Everyone’s reaction to this was “aw!”, “why would you do that?!” and “that makes no sense.”

My dear teacher says;

“You all are unreasonably attached to the idea that time should only move forwards and it’s time that was challenged.”

I couldn’t help but smile. It’s true. We are all attached to the idea that time should only move forward. Think about it. Do we read books where the author chose to disobey the chronological order?  Do we move backwards in time, to see who we used to be? In fact, we get told to move on from our past.

If you don’t deal with something, it will always haunt you. Don’t run away from your past, face it. It’s like having something on your to-do list that you keep ignoring, it won’t get done on its own.

And that’s what I’ve learnt today.

 

 

Some things come without asking

When I was in Year 8, I was bullied by a group of my old friends. When I told my form tutor and head of years, they dealt with the situation amazingly. Those people haven’t spoken to me again till this day. I have to say, my head of years and form tutor were really good people- in their role and from heart as well.

I started to suffer depression… went a few years not even realising what depression was and what people with depression do.

I try to consume myself with work so that I don’t feel. And don’t get it confused, I don’t mean my college work, I mean  by working physically, busying myself up. I volunteered at two primary schools. One of the primary schools I had to attend twice a week- one day before college started and one day after college finished. The other primary school I had to visit another day of the week after college.

That was three days of the week- my free periods lost, and my mind exploding. It would be hectic, I had to run from one place to another. It wasn’t just going to the primary schools that had me stressed out, there were a number of other things such as keeping up with my coursework, and other responsibilities.

I realised I was putting too much on myself, I needed to chill out. There were those days when I felt so sad- too the root of everything- that I simply wasn’t in the mood for things. In primary schools, you are basically socialising children. You have to be a good role model, you can’t be sad and quiet. That’s just not acceptable. And somehow, playing the role of happy in the eyes of people was just too much and it was draining me out. It took all my energy.

I decided to quit the extra responsibilities I’d put on myself. Give myself more time, I needed it- emotionally, mentally and physically. I went to talk to a manager of a group of teachers at my college as she was the one who had originally set me up with this volunteering experience. She asked me why I didn’t want to do it anymore, what made me change my mind.

I told her half the truth; “It’s just a lot to handle, I need the time because I have the exams coming up soon so…”

“You should have thought about that before.” She replied to me with a weird look on her face.

Then she continued on to tell me that I was coming to tell her this when I had to be there in 20 minutes. I answered that I was waiting for her at the door while she was busy with someone else.

She told me that there were other ways of telling her like through email… boy, she failed to realise or even question the fact that maybe I couldn’t do that either?! I had two double lessons that morning, I had no access to my email. Instead of appreciating that I came to see her when I could or even that I came at all wasn’t enough to her.

She failed to realise that depression can hit you back with no advanced warning. It didn’t knock at my door telling me to inform the teacher a couple days before. The mix of feelings and emotions was what made me do it on that day.

I was just talking to some secondary school children, they told me about the bullying that was going on in their school and the fact that teachers said that by informing them the kids were moaning too much and they didn’t do anything about it.

C’mon, teachers, they aren’t five years old- they know when they’re getting picked on. Help them out. DO NOT treat it like it’s nothing.

It hurts… a lot.

“New year, new me”

I haven’t written the date once so far. But I will write it tomorrow- when I go back to school. I think that’s when the reality of being in 2016 will hit me with full force.

Woah, 2016. It’s a weird feeling.

Many of you have heard of or use the concept of “new year, new me” but frankly, we aren’t going to change so let’s LOL at that together.

Forgive me if I’m bursting your bubble but in my opinion the new year has absolutely no impact on the person you are or the person you will be.

The only change it brings around is time. Time goes on, it goes on all the time, it doesn’t wait for anyone- we know that. But if you think that on the 31st of December you changed as a person as soon as the clock struck 12- do you think you’re Cinderella?

The memories, thoughts, feelings, pain, destruction remains within us, no matter how much we try to forget. It stays, maybe it’s not something you think about daily, but it’s there, at the back of your mind, waiting to haunt you.

Well, that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t at least attempt to be a better person or achieve more things (which we should be doing regardless of the new year.)

We can use the new year as motivation to achieve those things we get to lazy to do otherwise.

Anyway, I wish you all a Happy New Year and hope that we all realise the reality of this whole chaos. It’s something we need to accept within.

 

Honesty

We are at this point in the era where being brutally honest is seen as a stigma and most people steer clear of it.

The people who value honesty more than the appreciation of the crowd are labelled as ‘bitch’, ‘trying to be cool’ etc.

Let me lay this out for you in black and white…

No one in this day and age has the time to analyse every person they were communicate with. And quite simply, that is exactly what we are being expected to do.

Barely anybody goes straight to the point.

You like them, oh, let’s drop hints and wait until they say something.

You don’t like what someone just said or did to you, oh let’s keep it to ourselves and hold it in our hearts forever… By the way, this only burns you when you should just extinguish the flame by confronting them.

People are left to make their own assumptions which is just sooo much harder than if you just be honest about your feelings and thoughts.

And usually their assumptions are incorrect… or poorly worded (a writer values their words.)

Frankly, I’m the kind of person who would rather tell you if you did something to upset me than hold it in my heart. But I haven’t always been like that, I just realised that it’s so much easier if you speak direct about how you feel because nobody knows the way your mind thinks.

Honesty is a foundation for trust. I really don’t see how you can have one without the other.

Then there’s people who are honest with the starter ‘no offence but…’

You see, the reason they do that is because they are warning you that what they are about to say might hurt you.

I believe in the honesty where it makes life easier, not the honesty where, in childish behaviour, you tell someone that they don’t look good in that jacket and end it with; “I’m just being honest.” No, that’s being mean, not honest. And it makes life harder.

Think about it, if people didn’t go around the bush and straight up told you how they felt… Wouldn’t it save you all the thinking and analysing?

We have enough of that in school, man!

P.S. Australians, comment below please 🙂

 

 

My thoughts

Words are a piece of art. People string them together to make them into something beautiful, wonderful, meaningful.

Like promises, so many beautiful words brought together which cause a large amount of feelings and emotions to burst into the open… There’s nothing like being vulnerable by putting your trust in someone.

But people break promises. And that’s not beautiful at all. In fact, it’s heart-breaking.

The only way to save yourself from that pain is to stay away from it, be heartless, ask for nothing, give nothing. No trust, no pain… Simple, right?

Sometimes the only way to be happy is to not care. If I don’t care, I won’t even have a secret to withhold, or a story to keep to myself. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t care when people broke my trust.

But the truth is, when people break my trust, I’m the one to blame. Because I was vulnerable enough to give you that opportunity. I’m the one who handed you the strings to this puppet so you could have power over me and my emotions.

After enough times, you become aware not to trust anyone. Or you get better at judging who to trust and who not to.

And when you trust no one, who do you share your life with?

I’m tired after this long day and yet when the fire burns inside me to write I still do. I write what I feel and what I think. This right here is the inside of my brain written on a white background.

People need to respect that.

I kept this blog anonymous for a reason… quite a few reasons to be exact.

I share everything on here, hence the ‘everything that happens in life‘. I share personal stories and experiences which I wouldn’t speak about to a soul. This is my life, I write what I want as a way to get it out of my system.

Quite a few of my friends read my blog and they are aware of who I really am. I told them. I chose to tell them. Which means, if I didn’t tell you, I simply don’t want you to know.

And this isn’t aimed at specifically one person(I simply don’t have that kind of time on my hands), it’s for everyone who knows who I am and even those who don’t know who I am… You know who you are.

If you find out who I am, will you enjoy my writing any more or any less?

If you don’t know who I am, does that put you off reading my writing?

Honestly, I’ve given up trusting people for a while. And this blog isn’t about getting the most number of followers, likes or comments.

This is my digital diary, and if anyone wants to read it, if it’s going to be beneficial to anyone then they are welcome to read it and if you don’t want to read it then nobody is holding a gun to your head. I’m completely not bothered.

I repeat, this is the inside of my brain on a white background. Respect that.

Imagine yourself in a similar situation.

 

 

 

Fear of change

 

God knows what could happen in a couple of seconds… milliseconds even.

Things change, people change, feelings change, thoughts change, expressions change.

Everything changes. In fact, when I get home from college today, I’m gonna change my clothes. See, everything changes… (go ahead, laugh at my attempt of humor.)

I look back over the last three years and spot all the changes on the way. Wow… So much has changed.

In my last post, I wrote a poem about changes. I feel things were imperfectly perfect before all the changes I experienced. By imperfectly perfect, I mean things weren’t perfect, there’s always the ups and downs of every situation. But it was manageable, there was things to always make you smile at the end of the day.

And now, one thing is going wrong after another.

Without anyone to make you smile, and nothing particularly exciting to live for.

So much changes. Ugh, changes!

Part of the changes is growing up and having more responsibility on your shoulders. Like a burden, weighing you down. And the worst part is… it only gets worse from here.

I never had a great childhood, I lost those years of play and wonder. I wasn’t the child who would be carefree and climb trees and have fun. Even as a child I wanted to please everyone. Worrying about what if I upset someone.

Always so grown up for my age. My mind is very old. I lost the carelessness a long while before my peers and the worst thing is that I can’t get it back.

Lost years, a lost person. You can’t bring either back.

 

 

Fantasy Island

Do you ever just wish that you were someone else?

Every now and then, I plan escape. I want – need – to get away.

I want to run away from the confusion, pain, problems, responsibilities, decisions. I want to get AWAY!

I want to take a road trip or something, I don’t know, anything. I just know that I have to get away from everything for a while.

So what do I do?

Read a book.

I always have a book in my bag, ready -in fact, waiting- to be read.

And when I read, I become the character. Suddenly, this isn’t my life anymore, it’s the character’s… and I’m enjoying it.

My maths teacher said to me that I read too much, my reply was;

“There’s no such thing as reading too much. It’s never enough”

Books, novels, series, trilogies, sequels… the list goes on.

My point is, it’s comforting to become someone else, especially when there’s something in reality that you need to escape.

My life is so uninteresting, boring, dull… there’s no colour to it. I feel like I haven’t had ‘fun’ in a long time. I haven’t laughed until my stomach hurts or been so carefree that I can do anything.

The older you get, the more sense of responsibility you feel and the more you realise the truth. The amount of responsibility keeps on growing and there isn’t a way to get away from it. There is no turning back. You have to give it your all and take full on control at some point in your life. You can only run away from it for a certain period of time.

Make the right decisions and choose the wise choices. But remember to stay happy through it.

 

 

The Liebster Award

liebsteraward

A while back, I was nominated for The Liebster Award by Muhammad Ashhar but I didn’t have the time to continue it on, now I decide I want to start the chain for a new award because it has been too long since the nomination to carry it on now but obviously thanking Muhammad for his previous kind nomination. Click on his name to go to his blog (it will open up in a new window, no need to worry) which I think is really good because it is so thought-provoking. Go ahead and check him out!

The meaning of this award:

It has German origins – the word “liebster” has several definitions: dearest, sweetest, kindest, nicest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, welcome, sweetheart.

The rules for this awesome award are as follows…

1. Post the award on your blog.

2. Thank the blogger who presented this award and link back to their blog.

3. Write 11 random facts about yourself.

4. Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and let them know

Eleven Random Facts about me:

  1. I fell in love with mint since my childhood years. I love anything mint, whether it’s ice cream, chocolate, milkshake… anything mint!
  2. I can’t be a blood donor because I’m anemic. Turns out I can’t be useful to anyone any time soon…
  3. I sometimes pre-visual situations, I think forward to time and imagine someone doing something or something happening and it turns out to be true. This leads to déjà vu moments.
  4. I am writing this blog in a lesson of Health & Social Care where I should be doing my coursework… If my teacher ever reads this, forgive me.
  5. I used to easily trust people, but I soon learnt my lesson and now I don’t trust or depend on anyone because I know that expecting is a crime and disappointment is the punishment .
  6. As a child, I used to think that an earthquake was a GIANT spider walking around the city and destroying all the buildings by stepping on them. I laugh out loud at this now.
  7. I don’t drink any fizzy drinks such as coke, lemonade etc. I don’t drink tea or coffee either. I like flavoured water or plain water.
  8. I wanna be Tumblr but I just don’t get Tumblr! Do you understand my frustration? Like, I wanna be part of those legendary screenshots, haha!
  9. I switch moods between having the motivation to do all my work in that moment and having no motivation at all, there is no in between. Caution, these mood swings can occur every 5 seconds to every hour, day, year…*smirks*
  10. I don’t believe in apologies that have no explanation with them. You cannot just say you’re sorry, you have to present a 10 slide power point explaining exactly why you are sorry, what you did and good reasons explaining why I should forgive you. If you don’t do this, I’m not even sorry saying this, but your apology has no value. Obviously, I exaggerated the ’10 slide power point’ bit but the rest of it is true.
  11. My moods switch between being a social butterfly to being socially awkward. Again, there is no in between.

Here comes the best part of this award… nominating other wonderful bloggers!

And the nominations go to… *drum roll*

  1. Patti Murin
  2. Restart Urgently Needed
  3. Harjit Singh
  4. iDikko
  5. TwinkleSpark
  6. LD – The Right Writing
  7. Learning Web Development
  8. The Book of the Seven Forbidden Wisdoms
  9. sweetnessbearblog
  10. Serenity’s Ashrama
  11. Oscar Relentos

Thank you all so much, hope you take part and I look forward to reading your posts! Have fun with this award!

“You don’t understand.”

Since a month or so, I’ve been suffering back problems. Doctors don’t really know what it is, some say slipped disc and others say “don’t worry, it’s just a muscle strain.” This causes me an incredible amount of pain in my lower back, more precisely the left side of it. It’s better now but before, I couldn’t sit, stand or even lie down. Obviously because the back is the bit of the body which holds it together, it was difficult. The pain wasn’t just in my back anymore, it went to all the interlinking areas. I wasn’t allowed to sit with my legs crossed, bend down or pick up anything heavy.

People thought I was seeking attention, like bro, I don’t like the spotlight so you can keep it to yourself. I really don’t care.

It was a pretty bad situation and my overall energy was low. I felt like I had to be dependent on other people when one day I thought, screw it!

My cousins were at my house at night, they came from France for the half term holiday. I needed to clean up the room, pick up a heavy quilt and sort everything out. Put it it’s place. A lot of things were out of place because that’s what toddlers do, they mess everything up. I have three cousins, the oldest being at the age of 11 and the youngest is around 2.

I told the older cousin to help me pick up the heavy quilt and she refused, like children do. That’s when I thought to myself, nobody understands. I started to think about all the other situations in my life, not just about physical pain but mental pain as well. Nobody understood me. And I decided it was worth it to risk permanently damaging my back, but I couldn’t risk any more mental damage. I decided to do things I wasn’t allowed to anyway, picking up heavy things etc. Though, my mum did yell when she saw me, restricting me from certain things, lost in her motherly nature.

The following day, I got into an argument with the same cousin. She told me her thoughts quite clearly. She said that she was sick of me pretending that I was in pain and I needed to get off my backside and stop acting.

There is no point explaining to a fool. I walked out the house, thinking about my life.

As I walked, my anger slowly diffused into hurt. I had become used to people not understanding me that I’d failed to realise it was happening.

Mine is just an example, think about yourself. You’re probably in worse situations. But that doesn’t mean that another situation is better for someone else.

Every situation is painful in it’s own way.

But what’s the reason people don’t understand you?

They don’t share a bond with you, they haven’t been through it themselves.

Both of those things.

Soon enough, when you hear yourself say “You don’t understand”, “You won’t understand” or “You don’t get it” plenty of times, you begin to realise that nobody does understand you. People have their own level of experience and knowledge and depending on that they judge situations. So it isn’t their fault either.

And then you accept that nobody understands you and you stop explaining yourself. You stop being yourself. You stop telling your opinions and you stop sharing your feelings.

This isn’t about the physical pain my back caused me, because the physical pain can never compare to the mental pain.

It’s more about mental pain, which is the worst kind of pain to have.

After all, “that’s the thing about pain… It demands to be felt.”- Augustus Waters

Mixed feelings

A number of times in my life I have found myself at this crossing path of decisions.

I just don’t know what the hell to do.

Often, the reason for that is people. Stupid, confusing people.

I always wondered why it is that sometimes you’re acting one way and sometimes you’re acting another way. For example, someone I talk to may think that I have mood swings because sometimes I want to talk to them and sometimes I don’t. And I sure do think that about other people too. But the point is… why?

When there’s something on your mind and you can’t stop thinking about it, and you have two minds about something. That is when your conscience is fighting with your heart. Your heart wants something but your sense of right and wrong is stopping you from anything. And trust me, it leaves you confused… Seriously confused. And with that, you confuse others too.

I have a friend from secondary school who I used to talk to often. Then my conscience started to fight, because he had developed… um, a certain interest in me. I knew that if I carried on talking to him as normal, it would only lead things on… something that I didn’t want. I knew the only way to save both myself and him trouble was to break the connection and so gradually I lessened the amount of messaging we did each day. Eventually, we didn’t talk at all. I realised that my strategy worked, and he had lost the infatuation for which I was glad.

I wanted to be friendly with him, because he was a good friend but stupid feelings got in the way and I guess, in a way, it was something lost. But I didn’t mind much. It would have been worse if it carried on.

When you have two minds about something, know that if you want something more than another thing, you will naturally convey that to the people who you surround yourself with. If they know you and understand you well enough, they will realise that too and probably try to help you like one of my friends helped me.

And when someone confuses you with their actions, remember that they have a reason. Whatever it is, it makes them happy so let it be. Sometimes questioning it can make it worse, and other times questioning it can make it better.

Stupid feelings. They make you do and think things that mess up your mind… and others too.